Beautiful Mess....

I'm a planner. I'm not going to apologize for that. In fact, I think there should be an 11th commandment and that it should read, "Thou shalt plan." I had my entire life planned out by the time I was 16, and can I just tell you? God didn't get that memo. NOTHING in my life has gone the way I planned. I use to be kind of mad about it, but I decided to quit fighting with God on the matter and just go with it. The biggest "non-planned" activity we've had has been infertility. You can read back in the archive on this blog on how we dealt with that. I've been struggling with whether or not to post this, but I fill if I don't I'm not being truly honest about who I am. My heart has been SUPER heavy lately. But, in the healing of the past two months God has tremendously blessed our family and shown me how it's only HIS plan that matters. It is this healing that I want to share....

The third week of July I had my third miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant, but this time I was further along than the other two. I was anemic and just felt like pure crap. But, even though that was hard, the hardest thing was the response I got from people who found out. Now...mind you....I told very few people. Just my core group of women and family. My doctor didn't take me seriously which led to lots of later blood work, exams, and wacked out horomones. I now have a new doctor. :) And people just made truly insensitive comments. None of them were from my core group of family and friends. But I did reevaluate the meaning of friendship. I kept of book of stupid things people say when struggling with infertility and let me just say I REALLY got to add to it. Things were said, my heart was broken, and my spirit was so confused. I am convinced that we are never more beautiful than we are when we are a broken mess. But this is what has come from it....

-I was purposed to mother the motherless.
-I was purposed to have this struggle in order to help others in the same position.
-I was purposed to train in attachment therapy (which I never would have done without experiencing adoption.)
-I was purposed to bring attention to how many children need mothers and fathers.
-I was purposed. Period.

It dawned on me today that I have never thanked God for infertility. So now, I want to thank him for that experience. For it was in my greatest affliction that he gave me his greatest gift. And that would be my bug hunting Asian princess. And the other princess awaiting her family somewhere in China. I do hate that I've had those miscarriages. But in a way only God can, he confirmed his plan for us. Three weeks ago we recieved a monetary gift from a wonderful person (who shall remain nameless) that enabled us to make our next adoption payment. Make no mistake. We didn't need the money. We could have made the payment. But God chose to bless us in a dark time for me. His plan has never been clearer. So...I want to give back.

In two weeks time you will hear one exciting announcement coming from this blog. I will tell you that it involves raising funds, Show Hope, t-shirts, and adoption. Still working out all the kinks on my end. But you will truly be the first to know. And now....the cutest picture ever...of the cutest model showing off her Show Hope garb....