Control vs. Control

Consider yourself warned! This will be heavy so if you're not feeling up to the challenge I ask you to turn back! For those of you who are still with me then I hope what I have SO been struggling with will help you in some way. I'll start off by saying.......

I like to control things. There I said it. Not only do I like it.....I LOVE to control things. I THRIVE in controlling things. Situations. Environments. And...even people. You name it and I'll try to control it. And mostly, this has worked well for me. Until recently. I have a great person in my life who likes to point these things out to me. She does it lovingly, and pushes me (although sometimes it feels a little like shoving) towards growth. :)

Recently, she challenged me in my attempt to control things and I believe that I hit pay dirt. There is nothing wrong with control. If it's the RIGHT kind of control. You see, apparently there is a RIGHT kind of control and a WRONG kind of control. I never knew that! I see it as the difference between controlling and having control. I'm SO sorry if you're confused! It is confusing to me too, but having thought about it relentlessly now for 24 hours I think I'm finally starting to get it.

I have been so busy trying to control everything and everyone's behavior because it created a SAFE environment for me to exist in. By controlling everyone and everything I had unknowingly created a "false" sense of control for myself. In my attempt to control everything I realized I actually have control over nothing. And the harder I try to control things, the more out of control I am.

The definition of control I have been living by would probably have been the action verb tense of the word meaning "to exercise authority over and direct". The definition I probably need to have in my repretoire of words will still be a verb but would take on less of an action stance. And that definition would be "to regulate". It's actually the opposite of the first in my opinion. You see, the word regulate means, "to adjust for accurate operation." My form of control is simply NOT working for me anymore. It has not been operating accurately. I HAVE to change it. I don't know how I'm going to change it, but the counselor in me is smart enough to know that if I can just be aware of it and recognize it I can be more equipt to change it.

What does healthy control look like? Well, I think it's different for every person. For me, right now, where I am, it means several things. Realizing I can't control the why's and how's of life or why things happen the way they do. It means that I have control over my emotions when I allow myself to cry, grieve, melt down, whenever it is necessary to do so. It allows me to have MORE control and therefore be healthier. It allows my child, who comes from a background of abandonement to realize that it is ok to have and experience the emotions that come along with it. It gives her permission to gain control herself and not try to hold it together when I can tell she SO wants to cry. I very much DO NOT like to cry. But- I'm trying it out more. And even though at first I felt very much out of control, I am feeling more in control and realizing my body is actually pretty smart in knowing what it needs to do to be healthy.

You know, God also has his own theory on control. And that theory is that he wants us to let him have it. Romans 8:9 says that we are controlled NOT by our sinful nature but by the Spirit of the Holy God that lives in us. And in Him is ALL control. It brings me such peace to know that the God of yesterday is still the God of today and he's got it handled. Why would we think we could do it any better?

Thanks for reading the ramblings! If you are now thoroughly confused and feel you need further help (insert plug for my employer) please call The Enrichment Center and I am SO sure we can find someone to help push (or in my case shove) you towards growth!