Sour Blessings

Well, I know the title of this NEW blog adventure of mine probably has you wondering, "Sour Blessings? Seriously?" Well...yes! This blog is essentially an online journal of mine. I LOVE to journal, but for some reason, do not have the time to sit and write and ponder and hear. Besides, I type much faster! Over the past year I have been asked a million times about the journey that brought us to adoption. At first, it was something I didn't like to talk about. But over the last year my heart has been changing. Undoubtedly, by the 5 year old who now holds it. This journey was painful, heartwrenching, joyful, anxious, doubtful, you name the emotion and I had it! But-it's also a journey of surrender and how healing surrender can be. I hope that you will not judge what you read on this blog. The counselor in me feels the need to put the disclaimer, "All emotions and feelings are ok. It's how we handle them." Anyone who has adopted has a different story. No two are the same. This is mine...

When Brandon and I began to try and have a baby I was ecstatic! SO excited!!! A year goes by....nothing. Another year goes by and an exploratory surgery...nothing. Needless to say I was beginning to question everything. My ability to parent (a child I didn't even have!), my status as a wife, woman. I felt DEFECTIVE. LABLED. I essentially felt like I was walking around with a scarlet letter on my chest. I did a lot of searching. A TON of praying. And still nothing. So, we began to see an infertility specialist. Now, let me insert here that at this point I began to feel God moving me towards adoption. But- those of you who know me well- know that I don't give up easily and I was determined to prove that I wasn't defective. So-I ignored him. And for another year we battled. Brandon and I battled, God and I battled. Shoot, I battled with everybody! (If your one of those people and your reading this, Sorry! Especially you Debbie Waldrep!) I was angry, hurt, and...defective. This battle that I fought was in every since a physical, spiritual battle. I screamed, fought, got physically sick, cried (a lot!), and stood my ground. This battle went on through 4 failed IUI's (intrauterine inseminations). I eventually got to the point where I was willing to give it up if someone could tell me why this form of parenthood wasn't in the cards for me. (Again-those of you who know me know I like to know why!) And again-there was no give. There was NO answer. We have both been checked. We were both-FINE. During this dark year, perhaps the darkest time of my life, I had a conversation with Debbie Waldrep that I believe to this day was ordained by God. We talked about me seeing a therapist and reluctantly I did. This was the turning point. The first point of surrender if you will. I had been seeing Melissa for awhile when this wonderful, caring, beautiful person led me to the point where one day she said, "This makes me think of something I read in Habakuk."

Cue scene- Now how many of us can say we've EVER read Habakkuk? It's this tiny book that is just kind of there sandwiched between Nahum (another book we've all probably never read) and Zephaniah (some of us might have read this one). Okay back to the conversation...

There were two points she made. One was in Habakkuk 1:5 where it reads, "Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told." And the second was just a chapter over. In Habakkuk 2 it says, "I will take my stand at my watchpost and station myself on the tower, and look out to see what he will say to me, and what I will answer concerning my complaint." And the Lord answered me: "Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end-it will not lie". I have NO idea what she said after that. She may as well have turned in to Charlie Brown's teacher. I firmly believe that God used her as a vessel that day. I did exactly what that verse said. I went home, wrote it down, and put it in a drawer. I gave it a one month time period. We'll reevaluate then. This was the second point of surrender for me. I guess I thought God would change his mind or something. But after a month I still heard, "This is not the plan I have for you." So- I gave in. I surrendered. And we began the process....hesistantly.

A year and a half later we boarded a plane to Beijing. I still wasn't sure what in the world we were doing and even thought about changing my mind right as we stepped into that plane. But- there was a peace. We got our beautiful, scared, traumatized Chinese baby on October 15, 2006. And believe me! Life has not been boring since!!! She is life personified in every fashion! I can't imagine life without her and I am so glad that I surrendered to being her mother. This is what I mean by "Sour Blessings". Infertility was such a sour, bitter journey for me (and Brandon!) But it led us to the blessing of Grace. Now I don't want to act like I have this licked. This is one battle I still fight. I still want to feel a baby move inside me, see what a little Brandon would look like. We've even tried again-with two miscarriages. But- the miracle that occured on October 15 inside that Civil Affairs office in Nanchang, China was just as much a miracle as anything could have ever been. And I still feel God telling me he has a better plan for us. Adoption has become my passion. And I SO glad God chose me for this journey. Hard as it may be at times.

So- I hope you'll check in from time to time to read my ramblings. And stories of Grace...and besides...we'll have a BIG announcement coming from our house soon...you will not want to miss it! Blessings to you!!!! The sweet and the sour kind!!!!

Paige